I Always Thought Twice
Rude Awakening
I did. I did. It’s just that the thoughts were years apart. I tended to save my second thoughts for later, when reality slapped me upside the head with its boot.
I thought twice about my first marriage, both times after the wedding. But by then I knew I should probably just keep swimming. I thought several times about my second marriage, then did it anyway. I thought twice about motherhood. First, when they handed me my baby and again when I found out she had to eat more often than I did. I actually thought four times about becoming a nun. Once when my spiritual advisor told me he could see my vocation in my eyes, then when I entered the convent, again when I left and 20 years later when I wondered if they’d take me back.
Second thoughts or their absence have played a huge role in my life. I’ve thought about second thoughts more than once. As a result, my second thought about second thoughts is, “Always have your second thought first.” This of course led me to ask ChatGPT, “Is it possible to have second thoughts first?”
Chat’s first thought was: “Absolutely — and it’s the kind of paradox worth savoring. Having second thoughts first is what happens when your doubt arrives before your decision. It’s like your inner skeptic shows up early, peeking over your shoulder while you’re still writing the pro/con list.” Then, Chat asked if I wanted this answer turned into a poem or quote card. I said “No.”
So, here’s my final thought on second thoughts:
Always ask, “What the hell am I thinking?” first, so you don’t have to ask, “What the hell was I thinking?” later.
Wise Ask: Which second thought should have been your first?
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CATEGORY DEFINITIONS:
Re-Recollection: A brief, occasionally edited recounting of an event or situation.
Rude Awakening: A short piece of writing describing a sudden awareness or discovery that causes a change in perception.
Rabid Rant: A brief diatribe on a single topic, often characterized by strong and passionate language.
“What the hell was I thinking?” – A far too familiar life chant of mine!
I think it was Toni Morrison, who in an interview in her later years in life was asked if she had any regrets.
Her face dropped, and it looked like from her expression, that the interviewer had asked if she knew she had black skin.
Her response,
“Yes. I regret everything. All of it.”
Maybe that’s called living a life with eyes wide open – afterwards… – Learning from a life lived fully, and as well as possible, but hoping that there are redo’s in life, especially for the big and important stuff.
As I reflect back on the choices we have made in earlier years, my therapist once gave me some balm for the troubled Soul,
“You did the best you knew how to do at the time. You just did what made sense, what you were able to do – then.”
So here we are now, second thoughts often becoming the prevailing force that shapes the better part of the small and major decisions we have made in life.
We learn later, often through the wisdom of our lived experience, as we reflect back on many of the actions of our lives, that there were alternative ways we could’ve taken things, ways that might’ve been more fulfilling, more satisfying, more enjoyable. Who knows, with less collateral damage – choices that might have been more just and equitable for all parties concerned
I wonder if we aren’t wired mostly to live a life of having second thoughts, that perhaps should have been first.
If so, then that deeply-wired, primal force that defines us as humans kicks in. If we’re lucky, we become resilient. We learn. We change. We adapt.
As I said to myself in my early 40’s, after having made a profound life change that should’ve happened 20+ years earlier, “From here forward, I want to learn my lessons well, and more quickly, then and move on.”
I’m not sure how well I’ve done that. If there were a scorecard, I’m pretty sure out of 10 life choices, “having second thoughts that perhaps should have been first”, would still have prevailed about 8 times.
Intelligence is knowing between, “This might work “ and “Hell No !”
Couldn’t have said it better. :)
Funny and deeply thoughtful as always.
At the ripe and wildly experienced age of 22—shortly after getting engaged—my future mother-in-law sat me down for The Talk. You know, the one meant to inspire confidence and joy. She looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Are you sure you want to marry him?”
I proudly replied, “YES!”
Without missing a beat she said, “No Deposit, No Return.”
Excuse me? That is your son.
I was young and naïve at the time, but even then my brain quietly whispered, Well… that’s unsettling. Why would a mother say that about her own child? Perhaps she knew something I didn’t. Or perhaps she was issuing a warning label I chose to ignore.
Fast forward to the day before the wedding. My soon-to-be husband comes over, takes out the trash, and—casually, effortlessly—drops the marriage license into the garbage chute along with it. Same hand. Same motion. Gone. 👀
Fortunately, it was inside a legal-sized envelope, which somehow saved the day. He managed to retrieve it from the dumpster just in time for our rehearsal dinner. Totally normal pre-wedding activity. Nothing says “forever” like dumpster diving for legal documents.
By this point, my second thoughts were living rent-free in my head.
Later that evening, his hotel room—full of groomsmen—was directly above mine, which was filled with bridesmaids. Loud music. Laughter. And unmistakable female voices drifting down from the room above me.
So I did what any calm, secure bride would do. I called the front desk and filed a noise complaint. I made certain they knew I was getting married tomorrow and needed a good nites sleep!
Looking back now, it’s clear: my second thoughts should have been promoted to first thoughts… with benefits.
I absolutely love your writing!!