Men are Like a Box of Chocolates

Searching for the perfect edible gift, I landed on the See’s Candies website and came up with an inadvertent but fortuitous insight — Men are like a box of chocolates.

There are basically three categories — creams, nuts, and chews — none labeled and most unidentifiable until you bite into them. Even when you’re sure you’ve picked a pure chew, you can end up with little nuts stuck in your teeth, in which case you can, of course, put it back in the box, bite-side down and be pretty sure someone else will eat it.

When I encounter a box of chocolates, it’s always with a high degree of certitude. Experience has told me which ones to avoid and which ones are safe, but there’s a part of me that invariably toys with the idea of trying something different. For example, I typically like creams. They’re so… creamy. But sometimes they’re a little too sweet and leave a residue on my tongue that lingers after I’ve had enough. So, I scan the box for one that looks like it might have a little crunch.

Now “crunch” is a highly variable characteristic. Will this piece be healthy crunchy like carrots, savory crunchy like pretzels, or painfully crunchy like wasabi peas? Will it just be crunchy or will there be some buttercream interspersed between the crunches, in which case I might have to tolerate some tongue residue in order to get what I’m really after. And while I’m assessing the relative value of crunch vs. cream, what if someone takes the last chew? That would be unfortunate because chews last the longest. Not necessarily a good thing, but there will always be those who choose long-lasting over satisfying.

Then there’s the Rum Nougat — the one most often found discarded with tooth marks on it. Why? Because, in the words of one See’s reviewer, “While the-multi-textured element might seem adventurous, there is truly no getting past the overwhelming, all-encompassing experience of ethyl acetate.”

As it turns out, my online research paid off in more ways than I anticipated. Moments after exiting her website, I received a personal email from Mrs. See (How did she know?), inviting me to step up to her virtual candy counter and design my own confection. Now, there was a challenge I could sink my teeth into.

Totally seduced by this compelling invitation, I transformed my man-chocolate metaphor into a succulent spreadsheet detailing my confectionery preferences. Then I added it to my dating website profile.

Wise Ask: Do you prefer long-lasting or satisfying? (Are we still talking about chocolates?) Share your answer… below.